Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Picking Up the Pieces

I am here today to let all of you kind people know that I am doing okay, and managing to keep my head above water during this trying time of loss and sadness. I thank ALL of you for your kind words. Thank you Debi for the darling little crocheted angel. I will get a picture of it up in my next post. I just want all of you to know that Debi here is also grieving for her sister Teri who died suddenly of a heart attack back before Christmas and now the passing of her mother-in-law who they lost on January 31st. That she would take precious time out of her days to remember me is just beyond words. Again, thank you dear friend. Also, thank you MJ for your comment. You are so right. This grief is indescribable, it can zap your strength at any given moment. It is draining. I can be fine for hours and then even the tiniest of things can set off a flood of tears. I open the closet and there are his clothes, or his shoes still by the door. I shredded up all the life insurance receipts and felt like I was erasing a life. I guess I would be a total mess if I didn't have all this running to tie up the loose ends that was once someone's life. There are times I describe myself as The Medusa, you know, that head with the hundreds of snakes all over it. I feel that way, trying to get all the paper work done. There are days I feel as though I am running around in circles and not getting much of anything accomplished. And the thing is, those days, when I feel like that, I really don't even care.

I have gone back to babysitting our sweet angel, Holden, or as Roger dubbed him, "King Louie". Don't ask me why he nick named the baby that, but it stuck for the last week or so before my husband passed away. The baby has been a nice diversion from all the rest of the sadness that has plagued me. I have been so fortunate to have had so many kind and caring people in my life, many offering help if I need it, but this child has done more for getting my mind off of this loss. His laughter, giggles and smiles make my days seem brighter.

My niece called me this morning and she was widowed at a young age with 3 small children. It does help to talk to others who have been through the same thing. I am so lucky though, my children are grown, both in their 30's so at least the part of raising children is way in the past and I don't have to deal with that worry. My oldest daughter is best friends with a gal who lost her husband to cancer when their 3 sons were very young. The day before my husband passed, another friend's daughter-in-law, who was in her 30's, died suddenly of an aneurism, and she had 3 small children.

It seems strange to think of myself now as a widow. "Yep, there she is, that crazy widow who lives on 228 and talks to her dead husband!" I guess it would be better to be known as that than the "hoarding widow". My youngest laid her hand on my arm the other day and said, "Mom, will you promise me one thing?"
Me, "What?"
Her, "That you won't become a hoarder."
Me, laughing a bit, "Oh for heaven's sake, of course not!"
Like I said earlier, shredding those life insurance receipts was like erasing a life. I think I can see and understand why some of those hoarders hang onto every shred that is associated with a loved one's being on this earth. I have so very many good memories. No matter where I look there is something that reminds me of a man that was good, of a life that was worthwhile, and a love that was all mine for so many years. God has blessed me more than I deserve. Not a day goes by that I don't remind myself how fortunate I have been in the past and present. I truly give thanks. May God Bless You Dear Friends. I love you all. ♥

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