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Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Picking Up the Pieces

I am here today to let all of you kind people know that I am doing okay, and managing to keep my head above water during this trying time of loss and sadness. I thank ALL of you for your kind words. Thank you Debi for the darling little crocheted angel. I will get a picture of it up in my next post. I just want all of you to know that Debi here is also grieving for her sister Teri who died suddenly of a heart attack back before Christmas and now the passing of her mother-in-law who they lost on January 31st. That she would take precious time out of her days to remember me is just beyond words. Again, thank you dear friend. Also, thank you MJ for your comment. You are so right. This grief is indescribable, it can zap your strength at any given moment. It is draining. I can be fine for hours and then even the tiniest of things can set off a flood of tears. I open the closet and there are his clothes, or his shoes still by the door. I shredded up all the life insurance receipts and felt like I was erasing a life. I guess I would be a total mess if I didn't have all this running to tie up the loose ends that was once someone's life. There are times I describe myself as The Medusa, you know, that head with the hundreds of snakes all over it. I feel that way, trying to get all the paper work done. There are days I feel as though I am running around in circles and not getting much of anything accomplished. And the thing is, those days, when I feel like that, I really don't even care.


I have gone back to babysitting our sweet angel, Holden, or as Roger dubbed him, "King Louie". Don't ask me why he nick named the baby that, but it stuck for the last week or so before my husband passed away. The baby has been a nice diversion from all the rest of the sadness that has plagued me. I have been so fortunate to have had so many kind and caring people in my life, many offering help if I need it, but this child has done more for getting my mind off of this loss. His laughter, giggles and smiles make my days seem brighter.

My niece called me this morning and she was widowed at a young age with 3 small children. It does help to talk to others who have been through the same thing. I am so lucky though, my children are grown, both in their 30's so at least the part of raising children is way in the past and I don't have to deal with that worry. My oldest daughter is best friends with a gal who lost her husband to cancer when their 3 sons were very young. The day before my husband passed, another friend's daughter-in-law, who was in her 30's, died suddenly of an aneurism, and she had 3 small children.

It seems strange to think of myself now as a widow. "Yep, there she is, that crazy widow who lives on 228 and talks to her dead husband!" I guess it would be better to be known as that than the "hoarding widow". My youngest laid her hand on my arm the other day and said, "Mom, will you promise me one thing?"
Me, "What?"
Her, "That you won't become a hoarder."
Me, laughing a bit, "Oh for heaven's sake, of course not!"
Like I said earlier, shredding those life insurance receipts was like erasing a life. I think I can see and understand why some of those hoarders hang onto every shred that is associated with a loved one's being on this earth. I have so very many good memories. No matter where I look there is something that reminds me of a man that was good, of a life that was worthwhile, and a love that was all mine for so many years. God has blessed me more than I deserve. Not a day goes by that I don't remind myself how fortunate I have been in the past and present. I truly give thanks. May God Bless You Dear Friends. I love you all. ♥

14 comments:

  1. Susanne, I am so glad you posted today. You have been on my mind every day. I have not suffered the loss of a spouse, but I have lost my brother and good friends. The sadness can be overwhelming. You are doing great just to get up and greet the day. That Holden is an angel, something bright and lovely to make you smile and laugh. You are right you are blessed to have had such a love in your life, but that doesn't make this loss easier, a loss is just that a loss, you will forever love your husband. I think both of you were blessed to have each other. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers,
    Sending you a hug,
    Meredith

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  2. Hi Susanne. I am glad to see you posting today - I have been thinking of you. All we can do is keep going every day and the sadness will be replaced with happy memories eventually. It will take time. I also wanted to say 'thank you' for thinking of me. :)

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  3. Dear Susanne, I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I've just read through your past posts and know what you've been going through. Cancer certainly takes its toll on a family but it sounds like you are handling it with grace. Wishing you all the best, Tammy

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  4. Hello Susanne, it was so good to hear from you and read your post, I've been thinking of you the past few days.

    Im glad you're wrapped in the memories of your husband, keeping him close.

    thinking of you,
    cheers
    Fi

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  5. I read your post today with tears in my eyes. Although I don't know you, I will be praying for you and the easing of grief, to be replaced by all of the happy memories that are lurking in your head.

    Blessings.
    Betsy

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  6. Oh you poor babe my heart is breaking for you. I was catching up and reading your posts. There are no words. You have suffered one of the greatest losses and I am so sorry. You are in my prayers. Oh hang in there friend.

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  7. Happy to see you posting. I have no words of wisdom, nothing to make the pain go away. I wish I did. I do have prayers that you will find comfort and peace..Hugs, Vikki

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  8. Oh Susanne.....what to say? I have been thinking of you, and was good to see your post. I think you described it perfectly. I am sure that having that sweet baby with you is the best medicine of all.
    Thinking of you...
    xo Kris

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  9. Dear Susanne, I'm glad you let us know how you're doing. I'm glad you have that little guy to keep you thinking of the circle of life, we will all go through it. Hang in there, let it out and then each day will be better. Thinking of you.. ((hugs)), Teresa :-)

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  10. Hi Susanne, Holding you close in my thoughts and wishing I could give you some comfort. Take baby steps, one at a time. Hugs Sue

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  11. Hi Susanne, glad that you have people around you who love you so much. Beautiful Holden has been such a blessing at this time, I'm glad his smile is bringing some comfort.
    Sending love and hugs, Carol xx

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  12. Susanne, I'm glad you're standing up. I think of you all the time but just don't want to disturb you. My heart goes to you. Holden surely be the sweet angel brings you laugh, hope and smiles..... Big hug to you.

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  13. So good to hear from you again....we're all here anythime...just pop over...:)

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  14. I was here on your blog, looking for you, many times. And, somehow, you posted this and I never saw it until now! I read your comment on my post of today and had a smile on my face as the voice in my head exclaimed, "Oh look! It's Susanne!" So I bopped over to see if I had missed something from you and found this! So glad you've given us an update. King Louie is adorable! Babies emote joy...so glad he is in your life. Sending hugs your way. Annette

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THAT THE ONES YOU LOVE ARE LIFE'S MOST PRECIOUS GIFTS~